


Gay Hamilton Drabbles

by ScrabbleSense



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Drugs, Eating Disorders, Gay, M/M, Polyamory, Pretty Bad, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Tags May Change, mini-fics, some of these are
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-03-13 08:49:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13567050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScrabbleSense/pseuds/ScrabbleSense
Summary: sometimes i write sads. sometimes i write gay. sometimes; its both.





	1. conversations to stone; lams

Alexander hated thunderstorms.

The dark clouds gathered above his head, spitting awful noises down to him and striking bolts of light through the still air a few miles away. It was a beautiful, yet primal scene - much like the one going on in Alex’s mind right then.

The thick sea of black clouds clogging the sky above the rolling, grassy, uninhabited hills made him whimper. He could see the rain-line from his seat on a hilltop, and, although it wasn’t even raining where he was yet, he shivered, and pulled the jacket tighter around his middle.

“I thought I told you not to wear that jacket anymore.” John’s voice made Alex give a small, tired smile. Even after four years of marriage, the freckled man still had the uncanny ability to knock Alexander into speechlessness, and he loved it. “It smells weird.”

“Smells like you,” Alex mumbled back, huddling into the jacket and burying his nose into the turtle-neck. Peppermint-chocolate, cinnamon, and mistletoe. John’s scent.

“Yeah, well,” John sat next to him on the grassy hill, splaying his legs out and leaning back on his hands. “You’ve taken it so much, I imagine it’s yours now.”

Alex smiled at that, absentmindedly rubbing the fabric against his cheek. “It’s your favorite, though.”

“Not like I need it,” John mumbled, looking off at the dark sky, almost zoned-out. He shook his head as though to clear his thoughts, and moved to sit with his legs crossed, his hands in his lap. “Are you scared?”

“Of the storm?”

“No, of seagulls, stupid - yes, the storm.”

John always called him stupid as a term of endearment. He smiled at that, fiddling with his hands.

“Yeah.”

John didn’t miss the fact that Alex hadn’t looked at him since they’d gotten here. He cleared his throat after a moment of silence and leaned forward a bit.

“Well, you’ve got, Laf, don’t you?”

The static, thick air that blew the clouds towards the two men blew Alex’s hair around into his face. He was quiet while he tied it up. John loved his hair when it was up. Said he looked like a prince.

“Laf’s my roommate, he’s required to help me. It’s either ‘Deal with the anxious thing’ or ‘Listen to a grown man sob over thunder for an hour’. I like it better when  _you_ comfort me.” He nodded, pulling tufts of grass upwe'reill not looking at John. “You aren’t required to.”

“No, I’m not. But neither is Laf, okay? Or Herc. They love you, Alex.”

“I love you.”

“That’s… That’s not what we’re talking about.”

It went quiet again, and thunder rumbled overhead. “It’s a nice view…” Alex mumbled quietly, still picking at the grass. “Wish I had an umbrella.”

“An umbrella isn’t gonna help you here, pal. You’ll be fried by a lightning strike before you can even wish you hadn’t opened your umbrella.”

Alex didn’t laugh. His face stayed dormant. He picked at the grass again.

“Can I ask you something?”

John hesitated. “…Yes?”

He suddenly noticed how wet his husband’s eyes were. The thunder rumbled overhead. They only had a few minutes before it would start to rain. Alex closed his eyes, scrunching them.

“Why’d you do it?”

John swallowed hard, looking away. Heat rose into his cheeks, and he sat up a lite straighter. “Do what?”

Alex went quiet again. “You know.”

John sighed, looking at his wrists. There was nothing there, of course, but he still gave a small smile. “Wanted it.”

“Wanted what?”

“Alex we’re not playing fifty questions on why I-”

“Laf says you’re weak. But… But not in a bad way. In the honorable, human way.”

“Yeah, well…” He hunched back down, drawing designs in the dirt with his finger. “I’m not a hero.”

“He said you like it here.” He said, looking out at the rolling hills.

“It’s beautiful.” John stared at Alex as he said it.

“Yeah…” Was all Alex could say. It was quiet for a little while longer. “I wish it hadn’t happened.”

“I…” John had said it too fast. It was a lie, if he was honest with himself. He didn’t wish it hadn’t happened. “I wanted it.”

“I know you did, but I…” Alex sounded like he was about to cry, and for the first time, John noticed the tears that trailed down his cheeks. “How could you leave me here?”

John felt his eyes begin to water. “Alex…?”

“I miss you, God, fuck, I miss you so- so much.” Alex sobbed into the sleeve of his jacket. Tiny drops of water dripped down from the sky, and John shifted to get a better look at his sobbing husband.

John sighed, looking out into the buzzing air. “I’m not strong like you, Alex.” Tears trickled down his freckled cheeks, and he gave a small smile. “You knew it was going to happen.”

“Don’t say that.” His voice turned harsh, and his eyes went cold. “Don’t… I thought - I thought you were getting better I did - I really did. We all thought you were… We thought you were happy.” He sobbed.

“I couldn’t do it, Alex.” John’s voice cracked, and tears fell silently down his cheeks.

“But how could you do that to me?! I love you - I love you, and you- you didn’t… It’s like you don’t  _care_ -”

“Stop.” John’s voice cracked as the whisper left his lips. ”I… I couldn’t do it. I’m happier here.”

“I just…” Alex sighed shakily. “Why…Why would you let me find you?”

“I didn’t want you to.” He gave a small smile. “Nobody was supposed to. That… I didn’t want that.”

“How…” Alex took a shaky breath. “How long were you planning it?”

“About… 2 months?”

“And…And you didn’t tell me?”

“It was a decision. You did what you could. And I love you for it.”

The rain poured harder from the sky. Water trickled down Alex’s face, mixing with his tears, and John felt his heart shatter.

“I love you too…But look what you’ve done to me.” He pulled his sleeves down, showing off white, pink, and red, raised scars. John sighed.

“Thought you said you wouldn’t do that anymore.”

“Yeah?” He gave an airy laugh, standing up and pulling his sleeves down. “And you promised you wouldn’t kill yourself.”

Thunder rumbled overhead.

John made no comment.

Alex turned to look at him, waiting for an answer, but there was no-one there.

“Oh that’s just like you, isn’t it?!” He screeched at an empty hilltop. “Yeah - Yeah, run away! Run back to wherever you hide - run back and leave me here, you fucking  _shithead_ -”

A bolt of lightning cracked out over the sobbing, angry boy’s head. Alex gave a barbaric yell and kicked the headstone at his feet so hard that it hurt.

And then he kicked it again, ignoring the pain. Then again. And then he kept kicking it until he was at his knees, sobbing into his palms over his husbands grave.

“I want you back.” He sobbed, rain soaking into his hair as thunder shook the sky, clouds lighting up with lightning.

“I want you back.”


	2. ellipsis; jamilton

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex loves Thomas, but a third party is still on his mind.

Alexander rubbed his forehead as the three dots appeared on the screen again, blinking in the white speech bubble on John’s side of the conversation. Ellipsis as John called it. His fingers danced over the screen, but nothing sounded right. Everything he typed was either too proper or too lax, too bold or too meek, to blunt or too sugar-coated.

From (John) 10:59 PM

**So when you say spending the night… You mean?**

Alexander sighed, putting his glasses back on. This wasn’t the way he wanted it to go - friends with benefits, that’s what he had told John; that’s what John agreed too. 

That’s all the had promised to be.

A whiny groan came from next to him, and the warm body shifted under the scratchy white sheets. 

“Turn it off, ‘Lexi, it’s too late for this.” A cocoa-colored hand swatted lazily at his phone and hit him in the thigh, missing pathetically. The man groaned again.

Thomas was a beautiful man. He had hair like a flower, bushy and open and unique. His eyes were cold sometimes, and sure, the things that passed those perfect lips weren’t always the nicest, but Alex felt his heart swell at even the mention of his name. 

They were hopelessly in love - John knew it.

“In a sec, Tommy. Close your eyes.”

“They are closed - you’re just annoying.” He mumbled, keeping his eyes shut as he rolled onto his other side, away from the distracting screen of Alex’s phone. Alex trailed his fingers down the other man’s spine, and he shivered.

“Maybe we’ll do something later…” He put on his best fake smirk and pulled at the waistband of Thomas’ boxers lazily. Thomas whined, shifting. “If you’re good.”

John didn’t understand the Hamilton-Jefferson relationship. 

He’d insisted and hinted from day one that he’d make a better boyfriend then that piece of flaming trash, but Alexander either ignored him or was too oblivious to pick up on it. John usually followed the statement up with “ _But so would a sack of potato_ es.” but Alex - for all his brains were worth - couldn’t connect that it wasn’t an insult to Thomas, but an attempt to diffuse whatever tension John had built up with the statement.

Alexander turned the phone off, contemplating pretending to not have seen the text and deal with it tomorrow, but shook his head as the man next to him snored, and turned it back on.

_I mean I’m spending the night_

Ellipsis.

**So you… won’t be home tonight? I can pick you up if you want you don’t have to stay there**

_I want to stay here_

**With Jefferson?**

_John we’ve talked about this_

Ellipsis again, but for longer this time.

**I know**

_You can’t say i didn’t get to let you down easy_

Ellipsis.

**There was nothing to let down though, was there? I never had a chance**

_John I told you when we started seeing each other_

**Out of all people though**

Ellipsis.

**Jeffershit?**

_Don’t call him that_

Ellipsis.

**Sorry, you’re right**

_I really am sorry John you know if i could change it i would_

Ellipsis.

**But you can’t so you won’t right?**

_I can’t because im in love with someone_

Ellipsis.

Ellipsis…

Alexander hesitated, wanting to call.

**But not me**

This time, it was Alex who hesitated to type. John saw the dots.

_Are you crying_

**How did you know**

_You always do when we talk about these things_

**I don’t cry often**

_We don’t talk about this often_

Ellipsis.

**I talk about it. You don’t.**

_I do talk about it_

**But not when we’re fucking is that right**

_don’t start this again I want to sleep well tonight I don’t need dreams of you alright_

**Is that all I am to you?**

_John_

**You’re boy toy? something for you to fuck and throw away?**

_John you know that’s not what you are_

**Is that what Jefferson is**

John saw the dots.

_No_

**Does he know**

_I love him John_

**Yeah? and you loved me for a while**

_we’ll talk about this when i get home_

**no we fucking won’t we’ll talk now**

_stop_

**is Jefferson my replacement? or am i his? do you love him and fuck me? is that what it is?**

_I said stop_

**Do you even know what love is**

_I had Eliza now stop john_

**oh I’m sorry are you crying too now?**

He was.

Ellipsis on John’s screen.

_John please. Stop._

Dots on Alex’s.

 **I’m sorry**  
_It’s okay_  
**No its not i just**

Ellipsis.

**I want you to be happy I do I really do**

Ellipsis. Then no ellipsis.

_but?_

**Not while I’m in the equation. let me watch you be happy from afar don’t pretend like I’m the one making you happy when im not**

_Do you_

Ellipsis.

 _Do you think I use you?_  
**I think**

Ellipsis.  
 **You use him.**

There were no dots, but neither boy had stopped staring at their partner’s speech bubbles.

_Goodnight John_

**I love you Alex**

Ellipsis.

_I know._

He sighed for the millionth time and slapped his phone onto the bedside table with a noise loud enough to rouse Thomas.

“Done? Who was it?”

Alex shrugged in the darkness, shuffling under the covers and snuggling against the warmth of Thomas’ body.

“Laf. Asking for…” He paused. “Relationship advice.”

Thomas snorted, wrapping his long arms around Alex’s bare waist. “Him and Herc doing okay?”

“Yeah, yeah…” He smiled slightly, playing with a curl of Thomas’ hair absentmindedly. “Asking for a friend.”

He paused again as Thomas smiled into his chest, nuzzling his bare skin.

“Thomas?”

“Hmm?”

“What do you do… In a relationship, that is - what do you do if you think you’re using the other person?”

Alex watched Thomas’ eyelashes open slightly as his long fingers drew circles around the Caribbean man’s stomach lazily.

“I think you let 'em believe it.”

Alex had to hold himself back from gasping, and he shuffled to look up at his lover. “What? Why?”

Thomas shuffled slightly. “Well… I mean… They believe it, don’t they?”

Alex sighed. “Yeah… Yeah, they do.”

“Is it so bad? Love is blind, right? They don’t specify whether both parties agree on that.”

Alex stared at the ceiling with tears in his eyes.

“I love you.” He whispered.

“I know…” Thomas smiled sleepily into his skin. “I know.”

 


	3. he's bad; hamilsquad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John has problems. His boyfriends just want to help.

“Why won’t you eat?” It was asked gently, but the way Laf’s eyes were glazed with tears as they rested on the ground broke his heart further than he ever could on his own.

As soon as the words left his mouth, John went pale.

“I… What?” His mouth felt dry, throat raw with every swallow feeling like incrimination.

“You did hear me, non?” Laf’s voice shook in quiet anger, fists balling up in frustration as his nails bit into his palms. John’s eyes burned with tears as Herc gave a small sigh, pulling Alexander closer to him.

It made John want to vomit that none of them – besides Laf, who gave him a downright evil stare – would look at him. Herc gave him the smallest of sad glances, sighing in almost defeat against Alexander’s shaking body as Alex gave another sob.

“I… I do.” He mumbled, pulling his jacket tighter around his shivering body. “I eat. ‘Course I eat, everybody eats.”

Laf gave a shaky scoff, on the verge of tears that couldn’t be anything but angry. “ _No,_   _you don’t_.”

John froze in something between anger and fear. Herc was staring now, almost silently egging him to say something. John gave another shiver, and Laf’s hands shook slightly, pearly teeth biting harshly into pale lips as he closed his eyes gently, looking away.

It hurt deep that he wouldn’t look at him.

John glanced around, stomach churning at the idea of meeting Laf’s eyes. “How- How could you say-”

“He’s right.” Herc nodded, speaking softly and staring at the ground as his big hands ran over Alex’s hair as he shivered. “It… It hurts us to see it, John.”

John’s bones felt cold at the way his brown eyes glittered with tears, and Alex gave another harsh sob; knees going weak and feather-light body crumbling down to the floor in Hercules’ worried arms. Hercules only gave a sigh, slowly getting to his knees with a grunt and pulling Alex into his lap to comfort him with small kisses.

“I…” John took a step back. “I eat enough.”

“Do you?” Lafayette’s snarl was enough to make John flinch – stomach twisting gracelessly under thin, pale skin. Laf took a threatening step towards him, and John’s already-bruised elbows grazed the cold drywall behind him as he thought of what Laf might do. “Because 150 calories a day isn’t ‘ _enough’_.”

John sniffed, rubbing his arm and turning his gaze to his feet, shuffling back closer to the wall. “I… Well, it’s not gonna kill me.”

Laf scoffed, face contorting angrily as a few hot tears ran down his cheek. Herc gasped slightly in the back, and Alex sobbed harder, mumbling something that sounded like John’s name through his tears.

“That is your fucking excuse? Mon Dieu, Jonathan…” Laf crossed his arms, face burned in a scowl, and suddenly, John was crying. “It is sick! Doesn’t matter if you die or not!”

“Well, it’s all I fucking have!” John hadn’t meant to scream it, but now that blood was dripping from his hands from how hard his nails were digging into his palms and now that his throat hurt from sobs that he didn’t want to show… Spit flew from his mouth from how quick he had snapped into yelling, and Alex’s crying, bloodshot eyes flicked up to stare at him in fear through his tears. Even Laf looked taken aback, taking a step back and letting his hands fall as his snarl dropped slightly. “You wouldn’t fucking understand!”

“John-”

“No! No, Herc, shut the  _fuck up_!” John ignored the hurt that shone in Herc’s eyes, and Alex sobbed again. “You… You get therapy! You pay to talk about your feelings to some woman who can tell you how to deal with them –  _you don’t get a say_!”

Alex sobbed, and Hercules – who still looked like he was going to cry at John’s words – gently shushed him.

“I don’t know why he gets to cry – he gets his  _fucking_  razors!” That shut everyone up. “He gets to cut! He gets his fucking things, don’t treat me like I’m insane if he’s just as bad!”

“Johnathan-”

Laf took a step forward – for the first time, John noticed he looked worried and scared – but John only gave a nervous, strained laugh; scrambling back until he knocked into the wall.

“Shut up! All of you! Shut the fuck up!” Alex shook like a washing machine with bricks in it in Herc’s grasp, but didn’t make a sound. “None of you will ever;  _ever_  fucking understand! Without my body being skin and bones  _I’d still feel his hands_!”

Laf opened his mouth to say something, but suddenly, his hand was clapped over his mouth as he realized what John meant, tears clouding his eyes to the point where he couldn’t see. He took a step back, hitting his back on the chair and stumbling back slightly. Hercules was up within a few seconds to take Laf into his arms and let him cry into the crook of his neck, and Alex slowly looked up from his place on the floor; crawling over to the corner of where the sofa met the wall to hide in the corner, pulling his knees to his chest and crying in a small ball.

“John…” Herc mumbled as John’s hands flew to his hair. “John, please baby, you gotta breathe.”

Immediately, his knees buckled, and he slid to the ground; kicking away at the floor until his bony body was flush with the corner. Hercules and Laf were at his side in a minute – both on their knees; both careful not to touch him.

_Hands – God those fucking hands – all over his body; down, down, wrapping around his cock without permission… Quiet, quiet – the house was quiet and so was John, but not of his own accord… A hand, thick and calloused with age, clamped hard over his mouth-_

“John! Please, mon prince!”

_Thrusts, harsh, painful thrusts-_

“Johnny, baby, breathe!”

_Strokes; hard, hard strokes that made him cry and moan-_

_“Jack?!”_

_Sticky; sticky, disgusting liquid between his thighs – a moan from behind him, the hand loosening and a sob ripping from his throat-_

“F- F- Fucki’g-”

“Johnny? Baby, what’s wrong?! What’s going on?!”

_Vomit; vomit burning his throat after his uncle left his room – vomit that he would continue to hack up until he couldn’t breathe because at least then he had control and- and- and- and-_

A bucket was thrust in his hands, and immediately his throat burned again; just like it had an hour ago – yesterday morning – Sunday afternoon.

“I- I’m- so- sorry!” John sobbed through his vomiting. “Please I didn’t mean- I didn’t mean…”

“Johnny, it’s okay!” Herc’s hand was placed on his shoulder, and John kicked out blindly against him.

“No it’s not!” He screamed, clutching the bucket harder as he wailed. “It never will be!”

But John didn’t shudder when Laf pulled him into his arms, sobbing into his neck over the thought of what John had to go through – didn’t cry out when Herc pulled them both into his lap – didn’t even flinch when Alex wrapped his arms around one of his legs, mumbling begs not to leave, not to die.

“No.” Herc mumbled. “It won’t ever be, you know?”

John nodded, face blank as tears kept falling down his cheeks.

“You gonna send me someplace?” He gave a broken, sarcastic laugh. “Someplace where they put a tube up my nose and lock the doors after dinners so I don’t barf it all up?”

Herc was quiet for a moment while John shivered, Laf’s arms tightening around him. “’Course we ain’t.”

Alex shook his head rapidly against John’s legs, backing up Herc’s statement as best he could.

“Gonna send me home? Back to… My uncle? My father?”

“’Course we wouldn’t.”

“Death sentence.” Alex mumbled from his spot by John’s feet, nuzzling at his knees lightly.

“Ain’t an eating disorder also a death sentence?” Herc mumbled, pulling John close to him.

John barked a harsh laugh. “I love you guys,” He sniffed gently, wiping his nose. “I love you guys so, so much.”

“We love you too, Johnny.” Laf mumbled into his skin, cheeks still wet with tears. “We love you more than you know.”


	4. high; jeffmads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jefferson has secrets. James doesn't like them.

“Who was that?” James asked quietly, refusing to make eye contact with his boyfriend as he dropped a handful of onions into the soup.

Thomas paused for a moment after entering the house, rubbing the back of his neck anxiously with a guilty-yet-innocent look on his face. “Uh… Who was who, baby?”

“The man you were talking to outside. I figured if I got home twenty minutes early you’d be here like you are when I get home at the regular time - but no, you’re out chatting up greasy strangers on the side of the road.” James answered calmly, feeling rage slowly bubble in his veins. “So who was that?”

“Uhm…” Thomas swallowed thickly. “That was no one, Jemmy. Forget it.”

James felt tears prick in his eyes as he stirred their dinner. “He handed you something. What was it?”

Thomas gave him a long look and put his hand in his pocket, gripping something as if he’d lose it otherwise. “Nothin’… Listen, baby, I don’t know what you think you saw, but-”

James slammed the knife down onto the cutting board, staring at the wall. He didn’t want to look his boyfriend in the eye if he was going to lie straight to his face. A hot tear fell down his cheek, and he heard Thomas shuffle towards him, but he held a hand out behind him to stop his boyfriend’s advance.

Thomas’ heart cracked when James finally turned to face him; tears in his eyes and a disappointed, betrayed look plastered to his face.

“Was it a deal?”

“Sweetheart-” Thomas pleaded, taking a step towards James.

“Don’t play that shit, Jefferson.” He ducked out of Thomas’ impending embrace, crossing the kitchen to keep the distance. “Was it a fucking deal?!”

“I wouldn’t lie to you!” Thomas cried back defensively. “You know I wouldn’t!”

A confused, angry look struck James’ features. There was a beat of silence, in which Thomas clutched onto whatever was in his pocket tighter.

“Oh, so it’s such a crazy idea?!” James bit, suddenly fuming. “You’ve been doing this for months!”

“Doing what?!” Thomas snarled back, taking a dangerous step forward.

“This!” James screeched, tears suddenly pouring down his cheeks. “This - This sneaking around - these- these secret meetings?! What is going on with you?!”

Thomas snarled, narrowing his eyes. “Whatever’s going on with me is none of your fucking business, got that?!”

He turned on his heel, angrily stalking towards the front door, ready to storm out, but before he could get an arm’s length away from his boyfriend, James stuffed his hand in Thomas’ pocket and grabbed at whatever Thomas had been holding, pulling it out before he turned around.

A tiny plastic bag, filled half-way with white power, and a small syringe.

Thomas turned as his hand flew to his pocket, but when his eyes met James’ shaking hand - still holding the drugs - he froze. James’s gaze stayed plastered to the bag for a moment, and then he turned his head away, tears streaking down his cheeks.

“Baby… I-”

“I thought…” James gave a humorless, shaky laugh. “ I can’t believe I thought you’d quit.”

He threw the bag back to Thomas, giving a sour shake if his head as he exited the kitchen, turning the stove off on the way.

Thomas stayed frozen for a moment, the words rattling around in his mind, before turning on his heels and following James out angrily.

“The fuck kind of reaction is that?! What’d you mean you can’t believe you thought I quit?!”

James began piling things of his - pictures, clothes, keys, nick-nacks - onto the coffee table.

“I mean I was stupid to think you were capable of anything!” He snarled, pulling a suitcase out from between the couch and the side table.

Thomas only stared at him as he threw his stuff into the suitcase.

“Where are you going?!” Thomas snapped, moving to stand by his boyfriend as James clicked the bag closed.

James gave a long stretch of silence as he picked up the case.

“I can’t live like this Tom. Not with you anyway.”

A flash of hurt passed over Thomas’ face.

“Jemmy…” His angry demeanor shattered as he reached out towards his boyfriend, a look of fear slathered over his features. “I… I don’t…”

“I can’t live with a liar, I can’t live with the fear that one day I’m going to come home and you’ll be there on the couch because you overdosed or were- were killed off because some drug lord wants his money-”

“Jemmy, don’t do this. Please, James, I- I can change! I just needed one more-”

“Was last time not enough?!” James screeched, throwing his suitcase to the ground, talking loud, threatening steps towards his boyfriend. Thomas whimpered as he came closer, took a few steps back, let tears fall down his cheeks, and hunched in on himself.

“James-”

“Do you know how fucking scared I was?! You were foaming at the mouth Thomas, you fucking idiot, I thought you were gonna fucking die!” His voice broke, and the anger in his face cracked into distraught terror. “I though I was gonna fucking lose you - that that was the last time I was gonna see you!”

“I’m sorry!” He cried back defensively. “You know I am! I didn’t mean to-”

“Damn right you’re sorry; I was fucking terrified! And now you’re doing it again?! Are you that intent on killing yourself?!”

“Maybe I am!” Thomas screeched, his face inches from James’, eyes blazing. “Maybe I don’t want to live in this shithole anymore! Maybe I miss my family, maybe I never meant to get addicted, maybe I wanted to go to college! But now none of it’s going to change because I have you!”

“So this is all my fault, is it?! As per fucking usual, Thomas!”

“N- No, I didn’t… I love you! You’re the only reason I haven’t fucking drowned myself yet, you know that?!” He spat, choking on sobs. “Maybe I’m not dead because of you - have you ever fucking thought of that?!”

“Don’t play that card, Thomas, don’t guilt me into staying.” James’ anger was starting to melt. “I love you, but I’m not going to stay here if you’re going to keep doing this to yourself!”

“I don’t want this!” Thomas screeched, snarling. “I don’t want to feel this way. I…” His voice cracked suddenly, and his breathing picked up.

James took a hesitant step forward, reaching a hand out as Thomas’ hands flew to his hair, tugging it the way he did during panic attacks, bit Thomas took a stumbling step back.

“Don’t touch me!”

“I just want to help!”

“No!” He gave a sob, screwing his eyes shut. “Go away, I- I- I-”

James took a step forward and gave a cry as Thomas’ knees went weak, catching him before he hit the hard floor.

“It’s okay baby, I’ve got you. You’re safe. I promise I’ve got you.” He shushed the sobbing man in his arms. “You’re safe.”

“You’re- You’re gonna le- leave.” He sobbed, wrapping his legs around his boyfriend’s waist. “Please, Jemmy… Please don’t leave me!”

James sighed, running a hand through his boyfriend’s matted hair. “I…I won’t, Thomas.” He gave a small smile. “I won’t.”

Thomas sobbed ‘thank you’s into his shirt, hugging him so tightly James thought the poor boy was scared that he would slip through his fingers if he let go.

“I love you, Thomas.”

“I…”

“You can say it back. It’s okay.”

“I love you too, James.”


	5. 4 midnights; hamilsquad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> new year, new them. sometimes things go bad.

_Maybe it’s much too early in the game,_  
Ah, but I thought I’d ask you just the same,  
What are you doing New Year’s,  
New Year’s Eve?

The sound of fireworks bounced through the house, rattling plates and clanging the menorah in the window against the glass pane in front of it from behind closed curtains. Laf’s violin rang through the house, barely dulling the explosion-like noises ringing from outside; but if it made Alex shudder even slightly less, Laf would do it for a million years. John mumbled quiet, Spanish phrases into Alex’s ear, kissing his hair gently and holding the Caribbean boy’s hands as tenderly as he could.

Sobs rang through the closet the four of them huddled in, Alex’s cries bouncing off the walls and paining John’s heart to hear. Hercules sat by the small window, breathing in heavy puffs of his cigarette with his half-finished knitting in his lap, looking out onto the busy, dark, firework-filled Manhattan air.

“Happy New Year’s, Lexi.” John mumbled.

Alex sucked in a cold breath, choking on a sob before coughing; “N- New Year?”

“No quite yet.” Herc grumbled, setting the end of his cigarette in the small ashtray on the windowsill and checking his phone for the time. “We got… Two minutes.”

John nodded against the crook of Alex’s neck, smiling slightly. “2017. What a year, eh?”

Hercules gave a harsh, borderline bitter laugh, before taking another drag of his cigarette.

“Hey, Laf!” His shouts made Alex jump, and John scowled slightly, but Laf’s violin playing stopped. “Play Auld Lang’s Syne.”

Immediately, the song changed, and Hercules gave a shrugging smile at John, raising his cigarette like a toast.

“Happy New Year, Jonathan.”

John only sighed, turning up the music on his phone, connecting Alex’s headphones as the dawn of ‘10… 9… 8…’ set out over the Manhattan streets outside. “Happy New Year, Hercules.”

 _Wonder whose arms will hold you good and tight_  
When it’s exactly twelve o'clock that night  
Welcoming in the New Year  
New Year’s Eve

“How’s she doing?” John asked quietly, the first to speak since Hercules had sat down. The man didn’t even eat the dinner Laf had so lovingly prepared; just picked at the vegetables until they went cold, staring absentmindedly into the tablecloth.

Hercules gave a long sigh, suddenly noticing how all his lovers’ eyes were now plastered on him. He wiped his mouth slowly, even though he hadn’t actually eaten anything, buying time to answer.

“She’s uh…” Laf took his hand gently from across the table, swiping a thumb gently over the back of his darker-skinned boyfriend’s hand. “She’s not getting’ better.”

John gave a heavy sigh, turning his head away and closing his eyes gently. Laf bit his lip slightly, nodding softly, and Alex mumbled an apology that didn’t quite meet Herc’s ears, staring at the table with glassy eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” John offered him a small, sad smile, and Hercules accepted it with a grave nod and a clearing of his throat.

“It’s… She’ll be okay.” He shrugged. “Mom’s strong; always has been. Just worried about Hugh, you know? Big guy’s never done much for himself. Ain’t gonna get far without her, you know? Already lost dad; where’s he got to go now?”

“He could stay here with us!” Alexander piped immediately, to which his brightened face dimmed at the look on Laf’s face. “O- Or not?”

“Alex… Look, I love my brother, but… I’m just so stuck, you know? Like, he’s not gonna bring his drugs and shit near you guys – I would never fuckin’ let him, but… Without mom…”

“Hercules?” John piped up quietly, making the larger man look at him. “He’ll be okay, okay? We all will. Including your mom, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Hercules smiled gently, sparing a glance at each of his boyfriends individually. “Yeah, we’ll… We’ll be alright.”

 _Maybe I’m crazy to suppose_  
I’d ever be the one you chose  
Out of a thousand invitations  
You received

“And behind me, you can see the Arc de Triumph, lit up with  _2018_  as fireworks fill the Paris skies.”

“Do you think Laf’s having fun?” John mumbled against Hercules’ chest, face half-buried in his crème, knitted turtleneck. Alex sat quietly on Herc’s other side, cuddled into his sweater, fast asleep; and John could only smile at the picture of his boyfriend snuggled under a blanket, smiling in his sleep.

“I think,” Hercules smiled, taking a slow, sleepy sip of coffee from his pink mug, setting it gently back on the coffee table without waking Alex. “He’d be having a lot more fun if we were there.”

John gave a slight, tired giggle as Hercules tapped his freckled nose gently, smiling against the broader man’s warm chest. “We can have fun without him, too.”

Hercules smirked as John blushed, turning his attention back to the screen, but he didn’t miss the way the freckled boy bit his lip as Hercules pinched the inside of his thighs. Palming his length through his own boxers, Hercules passed a crooked look to John, who gave a look to the ground before slowly reaching into his boxers, wrapping his lithe fingers around his length, stroking his long, sensitive shaft slowly.

“You want some help there, baby boy?” Herc’s gruff voice sent shivers down John’s spine, and for once in his life, John was happy he was in just a tank top, socks, and boxers despite the 10 degree weather outside.

“D- Don’t wake Alex.”

Hercules didn’t even stop jacking his boyfriend off when Laf called; immediately switching to FaceTime so that Laf got a perfect view of John’s pink, pleasure-stricken face.

“Bonjour!” A loud voice screamed over John’s moans, the noisy Paris streets filling the living room.

“God lord that’s loud! Hey Laf, could you plug in some headphone or somethin’?” Herc smirked, reveling in the way John undid himself as the bigger man drew moan after moan from his boyfriend.

“What? Oh, je suis desole, forgive moi.” John moaned into Herc’s shirt at the sound of Laf’s broken French. “Is it too loud?”

“No, no.” Hercules smiled as the video showed Laf focusing on something above the camera, putting small earbuds in his ears after a second, smiling at the camera. “Just don’t want the rest of the world hearing Johnny cum.”

_Aah, but in case I stand one little chance  
Here comes the jackpot question in advance_

“He’s such an,” John’s angry sobs rang through the house as the door slammed closed. Immediately, he pulled his scarf off frustratedly, nose and eyes red and puffy; either from the cold or from crying, Laf couldn’t tell. “ _Asshole_.”

Laf was on his feet in an instant, pushing himself off the couch to practically pull John into a hug before he could even brush the snow off his coat.

“I missed you.  _We_  missed you.” He mumbled.

“Yeah, my  _boyfriends_  missed me – I’m so glad.”

“Is that what he said? Did he fuck with you again?” Alex asked quietly from the armchair, looking up from his book carefully and looking absolutely edible in those glasses.

John only shrugged. “Always does, don’t he? Said he’d hurt you guys, I- I just took it.”

Alex closed his book gently, standing and putting his glasses on top of his head, resting them in his hair. A soft hand was placed on John’s shoulder, and the smaller boy jumped, pushing the hand off immediately, flinching down.

“John?” Alex quieted his boyfriend, taking a step back and gently pulling Laf with him. “We’re not going to hurt you.”

John stood back up very slowly, his hands raised to show the red welts that coated his palms; courtesy of his father. “R- Right. I kn- I know that,  _fuck_ , I’m sorry.”

Laf only nodded slightly. “Can I… May we clean your hands?”

John stared at his hands for a moment, before giving Laf a far-away look and nodding. “Please… It hurts…”

Laf only nodded, leading both John and Alex to the bathroom. Next year, they’d be in New York – next year, they’d be far from Mr. Laurens – next year, Herc would have a job to keep his mother and brother afloat.

Next year held promises for them all.

What are you doing New Year’s  
New Year’s Eve?


	6. Bad Omega

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's something wrong in the Hamilton pack.

The second Alex stepped through the door, the bitter scent of regret and worry hit his nostrils so roughly his head swam.

The house was quiet, but if he really listened, the gentle patters and mutters of his pack could be heard upstairs, somewhere at the back of the hall – most likely the bedroom.

Something was off. His first thought was sex, but no… It smelled too tense for sex…

“Alpha?” Alex called through the house, sniffing gently. The disgusting, reeking odor of fear filled the house, and Alexander cowered slightly; locking the door as quickly as he could and nudging his back into the corner of the wall as Hercules’ gentle footsteps echoed above Alex’s head. “Alpha? What’s-”

As soon as Alex locked eyes with Hercules, his bones chilled. His brown eyes hurt to look at; hurt to see that there was something there that made Alex’s skin burn.

 _Bad omega_  – but Alex couldn’t remember what he’d done wrong –  _naughty, naughty omega_  – did he mouth off too much? – _bad for alpha; not good, not good_  – had alpha caught him doing something he shouldn’t have? Did  _John_ do something-

Hercules paused on the landing of the stairs, and it didn’t help that it made him seem like a God to Alex; tall, overbearing, threatening.

“Alex…” Hercules gave him a hesitant glance. “You, uhm… You’re home early.”

Alex swallowed thickly as Laf appeared behind Herc, hands on his biceps as he spared Herc a worried glance, biting his lip with furrowed eyebrows.

“Uh- Uhm… Y- Yes?”

Hercules stepped gently down the last few steps, and Alex felt his eyes burn with tears. The broad alpha stopped a few feet away from Alex, but Alex still felt his elbows dig further into the wall as he backed further into the corner.

His head was bowed low, turned just enough to the side to show off his scent glands in surrender, and his heart hammered sickeningly against his rattling ribs.

“I uhm…” Hercules didn’t know what to say – couldn’t find the words.

“I- I’m s- sor- sorry.” Alex choked, crunching his body into the corner. Whatever he’d done, he must’ve been stupid to not remember it, because Hercules was quick to give him a confused look.

“What- What’re you sorry for, sweet boy?” Herc’s hand grazed his cheek gently, and Alex flinched back. “…Alex?”

“What- What di- did I-”

“Hey, hey, shhh.” Alex fell into Herc’s arms, shaking and feeling sobs rise in his throat as he hiccupped; Herc’s arms wrapping around his middle. “What… What’s wrong?”

Alex sniffled. “You seem… Upset? What did I do?”

Hercules froze, stepping back slightly as his face dropped for only a moment before he wrapped Alex in his arms so tightly that Alex realized the scent wasn’t anger.

 _No, no._  He thought through a mind clouded with anxiety.  _Not anger… Fear?_

“Did something happen at work today?”

Alex sniffled into the alpha’s shirt. “Washington scared me… Yelled a little, you know?”

“Herc,” Laf mumbled from behind him; the freckled face of John appearing over his shoulder, strong arms wrapped around his alpha’s chest. “He does not need this; please, keep him downstairs.”

Alex paused for a moment, staring at Laf over Herc’s shoulder, before glancing between his two alpha’s quickly. Herc’s hands slipped off his waist, and the hysteric omega stepped out of his grip.

“I don’t need… What, Laf?”

Lafayette stared at him for a moment, before sighing something in French and heading back upstairs; a dark shadow over his tired face. John stared between him and Alex; standing in the middle of the front room, a scared look on his confused face.

“What… What’s going on?” Alex moved to follow Laf, but John was quick to block the way up to the stairs. Hercules, too, was fast enough to wrap his strong arms around Alex’s waist to restrain him.

“Wait.” Alex’s voice was low and cold as his eyes rested on John; Herc’s arms still tight around the omega’s waist. “John, why… Why do you smell like that?”

Alex didn’t like how John paled, a nervous chuckle escaping his lips as he glanced quickly at Herc with nervous eyes. “S- Smell like what, ‘Lexi?”

Alex slowly leaned forward, breathing in deep the scent that clung to John’s shirt.

Lime, basil, Granny Smith apples, and mint.

John’s smell – cigarette smoke, pine, sawdust, and petrichor – was only secondary to the smell; harsh and fresh on his clothes.

Alexander took a hesitant step back, meeting John’s wide eyes with his own. “Who’s been here?”

Herc and John exchanged glances of shame and fear before Alex asked again. “Why do you smell of that, John?!”

A loud ‘thump’ and frightened French sounded from upstairs, and as soon as Herc’s arms loosened around his chest, Alex pelted upstairs; despite John’s thundering footsteps and yells for him to come back.

He was wrong. When he had first come in, he suspected they were in the bedroom-

But no. He was so,  _so_  wrong.

Laf was in the closet – the one next to the bedroom that had a door connecting to the bathroom.

Alex’s closet. Alex’s  _nesting_  closet.

His…  _Ruined_ , nesting closet…

“What… What the fuck…” Nobody liked the way Alex’s voice dropped to a gravelly, broken whisper.

“Alex, we… We can explain.”

Alexander turned to John slowly, watching him with angry, shocked eyes. Behind him sat his nest – a small closet with rugs covering its carpeted floor, huge stuffed animals lining the walls with colored Christmas lights above the window in the center. A group of about ten fluffy pillows were piled in the corner on top of a small, soft couch where Alex would sleep, curled up and entangled in blankets. The room smelled of vanilla and crème brûlée, mixed with scent of rainwater from outside.

It was truly beautiful.

But today… It didn’t look like that.

No, today, it was like a tornado had come through.

Pillows sat, gutted of their feathers around the room – the scent-blocking humidifier knocked over on the floor, with fragranced water staining Alex’s favorite blanket. Stuffed animals were ripped up on the floor, with their stuffing and the feathers from the pillows covering the floor. The Christmas lights lay in a flickering pile on the floor; some lights were broken, some lights seemingly ripped off the line.

It reeked of lime, basil, sour apples, and mint.

Alexander took a small step back, a hand going to cover his mouth to prevent a sob escaping.

The more he looked at it, the more it hurt.

“Alex… Mon chou,” Laf gave a nervous chuckle as he stood up from where he had been crouching on the floor, examining a patch of glass from broken Christmas lights. “You were… Not supposed to see-”

“Who… What  _happened_?” Gentle fingers picked up a tattered blanket, eyes following the beautiful pattern on it until he let it slip from his hands, falling to the floor as a sob began to work its way through his throat; tears pricking at his eyes. “Why… Fuck…”

“Alex, uhm…” Hercules stepped forward from where he stood behind John in the doorway, and suddenly, Alex felt all-too cornered in his own safe-space. “Look, while you were at work… While we were  _all_ at work…”

John slipped in front of Herc quickly, wringing his hands as soon as he met Alex’s eyes and clearing his throat carefully. “Alex uhm… Someone broke in. An Alpha; that’s the smell, I guess.”

“And…” Alex choked on a sob. “God… It looks so awful…”

Herc went to take his distressed omega in his arms, but Laf was quick to pull him back, letting John go forward to wrap Alex in his arms. Herc gave Laf a distressed look for a moment, before the Frenchman mumbled, “We should not be in here, mon chou.”

Alex heaved a sob, sniffing gently. “My mother’s jewelry box.”

“…What’s that, babyboy?” John asked, pushing some of his mate’s hair back as the smaller boy hyperventilated.

“He could smell it.” He coughed up a sob, darting out of John’s grip to dive under a shredded pillow. A small box came into his palm, hidden in the corner. As soon as he pulled it out, the smell of peaches, sand, palm trees, and fire-smoke. The lid was slightly ajar on the top – broken. “He could smell her…”

Laf sighed. “Mon chou…”

“Leave.” Alex’s voice was low, gravelly from his lips as he stared at the box in his hands. “Leave. Now.”

“…’Lexi… We… We just want to help-”

The shredded pillow that whizzed through the room just barely missed John’s head.

“I said go!” Alexander threw a fake candle at Laf, who almost bolted to the doorway; Herc close on his tail. “Get out!”

As soon as John was out the door, it was slammed and locked. Hercules pleaded from behind the door softly, but Alex could only sob, falling against the door as he stared at the door.

He had so much work to do…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooop

**Author's Note:**

> if u want me to write a thing just comment it i guess idk but thank you


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